The most important tournament

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“Ah, double-bear. Two punches!”

Prelude
I really hate it when bloggers apologise for not writing, so I won’t. I’ve just been busy. Work is kicking my ass, and this Saturday happened to be really special, out of nowhere. Around 7:30 in the morning, I was walking the dog as usual, wearing my pyjamas and hoodie as normal. I turned  a corner and spotted one of my friends. And then another friend. And another. And they were all wearing backpacks.

I was a bit perplexed. “Um… hi?”

“Just going to a tournament, nothing to see here, one of them said.”

“Right. I think I’ll go upstairs and change into my jeans.”

Foto 2015-07-22 21 03 20I have alluded to my fiancée on this blog before, so I was expecting a bachelor party at some point, but we don’t get married until September 12th, so this was a bit early. Half an hour later, fourteen people stormed my apartment, all wearing white tabards, carrying wooden swords and shields – each with an individually painted blazon. I can’t possibly explain how cool this was in words. Pictured to the right is my shield, a bit battle scarred. The reds and blues are from my association when I was working for the Student Union, the golden crown was because it was my bachelor party. Others had shields with griffons, trees, castles, unicorns and so on, each hand painted, each unique. Very cool!

You will know one of the members of the bachelor party from this blog – Grim Lavamancer, who does our very own webcomic, was apparently instrumental in developing the bachelor party, and he was the most vocal in introducing me to my bachelor party and instructing me to fill out my character sheet:

Foto 2015-07-22 21 08 38

 

It’s hard to tell from the picture, but it looks just like a Dungeons and Dragons character sheet. Also very cool.

I got to choose from a variety of items to supplement my tabard and shield, and I chose, among other things, a pair of leather bracers, a pair of indoors slippers, a fedora, an Iron Maiden poster flag worn as a cape, and likely more belts than was needed (you get extra cool points if you wear lots of belts). All kitted out, I was ready for my first challenge.

Round 1 – buying tobacco without ID
My friends took away things like my mobile phone, my wallet, my snus (Swedish tobacco) and other necessities, so my first challenge was to buy snus without ID. I do often hear I look young, and even if I’m only a couple of hundred days away from my 30th birthday, I frequently get carded for these things, as if I was still under 18. My friends had apparently instructed the cashier to be tricky and ask for ID as well.

I got some money from a random stranger outside – a plastic yellow glove full of coins – and headed inside the store. After a brief run-in with the cashier, I ask my friend for my character sheet, and display clearly that my occupation says “Teacher”, meaning the length of my education means I am of at least 23 years of age. It worked, and I won. The picture below is from just after leaving the store, when I hit level 2 from clearing the challenge.

1-0.

I was tossed into a car, to be taken to my next assignment. In the car, I was given instructions on how to play a variety of Magic cards that I had been given on the morning:

Foto 2015-07-22 21 07 36

Squire was my most used card over the day and easily the best in my pool.

In order to cast these cards, I had to drink a small vial of beverage corresponding to a different colour of mana – Malibu and milk for white, Jack & Coke for black, raspberry soda and vodka for red and so on. White was by far the best, meaning upkeeping Squire every hour wasn’t bad.

Round 2: “Magic” tournament
I was taken to my old work place where my friends had made breakfast and set up a table to play “Magic” as they called it. It was, in fact, the Pokémon card game, but I have played that too, and I helped explain the rules for anyone who wanted to challenge me. Grim Lavamancer argued that, since my gambling skill was so high on my character sheet, I ought to start with an extra card. I also had a bunch of other, custom, cards to help me out, three examples detailed below:

Foto 2015-07-22 21 08 16

All the custom cards features art with me in it, or things referencing me. Despite these powerful custom cards and starting off with an extra card, I only managed a 4-2 result in the “Magic” tournament. I still had a blast playing that damn game though!

5-2.

Round 3 – Ynglingaspel
Ever since reading the medieval novels of Jan Guillou, I’ve joked about having an “ynglingaspel” (lit. youth games), an occurrence among upper-class youth in old medieval Sweden. Ynglingaspel is basically a series of physical challenges, pitting the groom-to-be against his single friends (youths), competing over a crown of gold. Examples of these challenges are horse-back joust with bags instead of lances, axe throwing, and archery.

I had my own ynglingaspel in the park on Saturday, and we competed in spear throwing, archery, and many other activities. By this time, I had upkeeped Squire maybe one too many times, and hitting targets was tricky as all hell. Around the half time of the games, my friend’s girlfriend showed up, wearing a medieval dress, and serving Swedish-style tacos – my favourite dish.

Of course, since it was my bachelor party, everyone folded in the end, when the final game was “kontorstrams” (lit. “goofing around in the office”), a sport where your goal is to throw a tennis ball at a door and have it roll back to you, lest you suffer penalty. I am the world’s first world champion in this glorious sport, and this was the last time we’ll ever play it. I won, and thus, I will remain world-champion for as long as I’ll live. Huzza!

6-2.

Drawing into T8, we moved the bachelor party to a rented hut outside town. It was huge, with enough cots and beds for all of us to stay. There, we had dinner, and I was faced with my last challenge – breaking a pinata covered in my final temptation, pictures of ladies of popular culture who I have described in the same sentence as the words “free” and “card” before. I didn’t hesitate, and killed the box with my warhammer.

7-2.

Inside the box was a key to another box, and in that box was a USB stick with something too cool to share here right now, and a pair of boxers where all my friends had written good luck wishes, jokes, references to our youth and so on. It was really touching, actually. Inside was also another Magic card – namely this one:

Foto 2015-07-22 21 08 278-2.

Thanks so much, you guys!

 

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2 Comments

  1. Grim Lavamancer

     /  July 28, 2015

    This was so god damned brilliant that I wish we lived in a polygamic society just so we could do it again!

    Oh, and you’re not allowed to use Happily Ever After in an actual card game. I should really have considered making the cards with a silver border to avoid any confusion…

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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